We all need some shortcuts to help us in our spirituality. It’s a busy world, and those in the church have a busy life, with all the various church functions to attend. There’s Sunday morning worship, Sunday afternoon fellowship, Sunday evening Bible class, Monday personal work, Tuesday midweek Bible study, Thursday nonmember class, the occasional Friday night fellowship, and don’t forget last minute confessions and studying for Sunday on Saturday. Anything we can do to save Christians time in drawing closer to God, we’re happy to help.

Here’s a list of our top seven things you can do to draw closer to God. Surely there’s more, and as you think of them, please leave them in the comments.

Seven tips to draw closer to God

  1. Put your nylons on, please. It’s sad that it even needs to be said, but younger women have just lost sight of things that are so important to one’s spirituality, like nylons. Our outward appearance means a lot to God, and it certainly gains us credibility with the Lord’s people to dress sharply. Appearances are very important—and while younger, less spiritual women may not think so, nylons are timeless; like pants with zippers up the side.
  2. Wear a tie, for goodness sake. Obviously, wearing a tie brings one closer to God and is part of a man’s spiritual offering to the Lord on Sunday. One can immediately tell who is the preacher, and who wants to gain the favor of the preacher, by which men are wearing ties. Lip-service to the contrary, man-pleasing is a very important skill in the church, and as we’ve already established, outward appearances mean a lot to God.
  3. Hold more fellowships. Everyone is expected to attend every church service. What you need to do for your spirituality to stand out from the crowd is have more fellowships at your house. There are good reasons for doing this. Fellowships are an extra-curricular church function, so this is like extra credit with God. You are also raising the bar for others who may have had plans that night, or may have so-called health reasons to stay home, or may just want to stay home with the family rather than fellowship with the really spiritual people at the fellowship. So holding more fellowships is a win-win. You score points with God and make others appear less spiritual than you when they don’t come.
  4. Seek “council” regularly. First, it’s important to spell it “council” instead of “counsel.” This is the preferred spelling in the church, and to use the correct English spelling of “counsel” makes it appear like you are more educated than your Teachers. Second, to draw closer to God, humble yourself before your Teachers by seeking advice from them for the smallest things, and do not question their wisdom or education. If you believe they are wrong on something, don’t think for yourself, just accept it. They know more than you, and if they lead you wrong and cause undue suffering to your family, be strong and suck it up. God is obviously trying to teach you something—like how to be a better follower, and how to allow your spiritual superiors to think for you (like Catholics who have to ask their priest, or evangelicals who are always running to their pastor). Only Merie had the right to question her teachers and preachers without murmuring. The church may or may not eventually correct its teaching a decade from now at a May Week. If they do, rejoice. If they don’t, rejoice that they were right, after all. It’s a win-win.
  5. Use the word “indiscreet” generously. First, don’t point out to your Teachers that the correct English word is “immodest.” As with tip #4, you don’t want to appear as if you are more educated than your Teachers. Second, if you are constantly pointing out how indiscreet (immodest) someone else is, or someone else’s children are, it makes it apparent that you have high standards, and are closer to God than the average person. This is especially important when bashing gossiping talking about ex-members and their children. There is no greater evidence of how spiritual you are than pointing out how unspiritual everyone else is—especially the sinners who leave your congregation of the righteous.
  6. Quote Merie. This is a powerful way to draw closer to God and show others how spiritual you are—and establish your credentials as an “older one.” Simply quote Merie Weiss on some matter of doctrine or Biblical exegesis. Only the spiritual can do this; those who knew Merie firsthand. If you never met her, perhaps you listened to one of her tapes and remember a choice quote. This is an acceptable alternative and shows that you were spiritual enough to listen to her tapes. However, it’s important not to use a Merie quote to contradict a current Teacher (see #4 and #5 above).
  7. Do not, under any circumstance, admit that you’ve read this blog, or are even considering that anything written here might be right. Of course, all the teachers read this blog as “opposition research.” Technically, if GP says it’s not a sin, it’s not a sin, and the church won’t forbid it. But we all know that if you’re truly spiritual, and are not a teacher, you will not admit to reading the blog or agreeing with any of it. Keep any agreement with Kevin’s blog to yourself, and do not, under any circumstances, challenge your Teacher on any of it. This is like a child tattling that his brother is opening his eyes during a prayer. It just outs you that you’ve actually read the blog. Alternate ways of saying it are “I heard that the blog says XYZ. What nonsense.” This makes it clear that you have not actually read the blog yourself, and that you distrust it without having read it yourself. This is important. To give anyone any indication you might possibly agree with something on the blog would definitely be murmuring, and is a withdrawable offense, whether you’re a member of the church or not. Of course, it goes without saying that you should never, ever share this blog with a friend who might be influenced by it to search the scriptures for themselves.
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