A reader emailed me this letter and asked me if I would post it. I’ve been a little reluctant because of the underlying bitterness that is still there, but we agreed that I could make a few introductory comments about that. While I don’t at all endorse the bitterness, I do understand where it’s coming from. My hope and prayer is that KF can defeat this bitterness, and I believe that can only happen by experiencing God’s love and forgiveness in a way that he’s never seen in the Stanton churches.
They Took My Wife and Ruined My Life, by “K.F.”
Hello Kevin, I’m not a member, however many of the members of the Spring Valley cult know me personally through the membership of my ex-wife CF.
I thank you giving all these people a forum to express their experiences with the doctrines put out by the teachers of this cult that have damaged their lives.
In my 30 year career as an air traffic controller, we referred to others by their operating initials, hence KF.
The damage in my life began about 1990 in Santee where I was living with CF, my wife of 7 years at the time. We had two children, EF my son born 1984, and SF my daughter born 1986.
The stories of how the members and their children were separated from their “worldly” friends and families gave me painful reminders of what I and my children suffered from. So I felt that I should contribute some outside perspective to this small community.
CF and I lived unmarried together for nearly four years before getting married in 1983. Yes we waited to be married before having children, not like some of the family members of SCOC.
The door knocker that got my wife’s attention then (1990) was none other than [Snip]. Starting with non-member classes then eventually being baptized not long after. The effect on my family was innocuous at first, but soon there were changes that made an impact. When COC stepped into my marriage bed to tell me how and how often I can have sex with my own wife, that told me we were headed for trouble. [Snip]
Then my children were told to dress different than other “worldly” people.
This term “worldly” has separated so many from the real world. When you look outside of the COC, doesn’t the rest of the world count? Does this cult think that only people within their one nation english speaking, sexually judgmental world are the only people on earth that matter? Are all women harlots constantly tempting weak-willed men into sexual pursuits? Why not chastity belts?
[EDITOR’S NOTE: There are many ways to teach kids to save sex for marriage and to dress modestly without resorting to cult-like control of members.]
They destroy families and should be shamed and punished for what they have done in the name of Christ. Throughout my wife’s membership in the COC, many times fellowships were held in my homes for her to impress other members. Didn’t they realize they were invited into the home of a worldly heathen? I would come home from my work on Sundays and feel quite unwelcom in my own home as 10-20 members and kids occupied my house.
[Snip] and their family even rented a home of ours for a time in Santee. Other members have rented apartments or homes that we owned over the 20+ years that CF has been a member.
My kids were taught to avoid me because “he is not one of us” or “your father has worldly behaviors.” [Snip]‘s kids rented an apt from us, [Snip] rented a brand new home, [Snip] and their 5 kids [Snip] and another family lived together in our duplex til our divorce in 2010. We lost over $100,000 having to sell that asset.
Speaking of our assets. Since the COC discourages women from working or getting an education, the assets that we acquired during our marriage were attained entirely through my ability to maintain my high income job while also spending many,many of my off hours constructing new homes and remodeling others. CF hasn’t worked since 1984, She now lives on over $30,000 a year taken from my federal retirement and also lives in a house mortgage-free that she was given in the settlement. How’s that ladies? Wouldn’t you all like to have your own house and $30K a year?
Of course everyone in the COC knew we were getting divorced. Not one, Not one of any of the members who knew me personally, lived in my homes, worked with me in my airplane washing business, fellowshipped in my home over and over…not one cared enough about our marriage to speak to us together. [Snip] knew me very well.
This is why I refer to the COC as hypocrites Hypo-Christians. They do not practice what they preach.
My children suffered real identity problems as they were continually segregated from their school friends. Sorry, but many of the children in the COC were not the best friends for my daughter to have. Now that I hear of the yelling that went on it angers me more. My son is not a member Thank Goodness not Godness, my daughter is still struggling with identity but is making good progress now in finding new direction. Actually she has attended and will attend college in spite of her mother’s church doctrine. [Snip]
So as you can gather I am very bitter over the teachings of this cult and their hypocritical actions. Who do they help but themselves? Will their doctrine bring peace in the world? NO.
Do they reach out to actually provide food or shelter to anyone? NO.
Do billions of other people in the world count? YES.
So you can all go on praying for better times, but until you are ready to roll-up your sleeves and get into the rest of the world and help, yes we are all doomed to some fate. Not by the hand of some God but by the continuous degrading of our lives by failing societies and ignorance.
I addressed the Spring Valley congregation last year with a written flyer I left on a few windshields that day. It addressed a debt that my ex-wife owes me during our worldly divorce.
It was CF who initiated the divorce as the plaintiff. Wasn’t that against COC doctrine?
My flyer was taken as an act of domestic violence by CF and she actually had a restraining order placed on me for three months. Talk about worldly actions.
I do not intend to let this debt go, It involves $19,000. Perhaps with a few more people knowing about it she will confess to this debt and pay me back. She already takes money that I alone earned.
Our divorce took over three years (2007-2010) and cost our children over $200,000 of inheritance that went to attorneys. She took me to court again in 2013, wanting more money. Who’s worldly now?
So children of COC and members who read this blog, thank you for expressing your views and helping me to gain insight into what happened in my marriage. I forwarded the list of rules that Christian’s live by to my sister who lives in Jordan in the Middle East only about 100 miles from Bethlehem, Israel. She responded by saying “there is another group just like them. They are called the Taliban.” She is correct, but COC uses Guilt instead of Guns.
If you stay you will be damaged, if you have left or are thinking to leave, may you have better fortune through your self-determination.
Every man/woman sins. The greater sin is non-acceptance of human beings and trying to persuade others to live in a closed-off world. It’s a small world that is dying and not growing.
Praying and imagining are not going to change the world as it is. Dreams can be lived but only through earnest work?
Love “Well that’s just some people talking” “Your prison is walking through this world all alone” (Eagles)
I’m sure many who read this will know who I am. I invite you to email me.
FYI, I did make edits for clarity, and later cut out some references that I didn’t feel were helpful or necessary. It is painful to click “Publish,” but I believe it’s necessary to hear KF’s perspective and experiences.
K.F., I hope these edits are OK with you, if not let me know and I’ll remove the post. I’m praying for you that God will bring people into your life to speak about God using a different language–the language of love and radical forgiveness offered through Jesus Christ.
If we look at how Jesus handled being treated unjustly, we have a pretty clear model for how we should react–with love and grace.
KF…I’m sorry you went through all this.