Now presented in the newest Modern Pharisaical Translation (MPT). [4]

It has been brought to our attention that church members and rabbis have had some trouble defending various rules from the Bible, so we’ve provided the following chapter from the book of 2 Opinions for easy reference. It will no longer be necessary to quote various rabbis, May Meetings, October Meetings, or founding documents. Members can now simply refer to book, chapter and verse below to defend their favorite teachings.

2 Opinions Chapter 3

  1. Christians must not eat food or drink anything but water in their building at any time.
  2. Christians must not take food into their building at any time.
  3. Christians must not have weddings or funerals in their building.
  4. Christians must stand to make confessions.
  5. Christians must make public confessions for violating traffic laws.
  6. Christians must not vote.
  7. Christians must not watch TV or own a TV for the sole purpose of watching TV.
  8. Christians must not say the pledge of allegiance.
  9. Christians must not use anything other than the King James Version of the Bible.
  10. Christian women must do personal work at least once per week.
  11. Christian men must do personal work at least twice per week.
  12. Christians must not attend weddings or funerals in religious buildings.
  13. Christians must not allow their children to play with Barbie Dolls.
  14. Christians must not sing patriotic songs.
  15. Christians must not wear crosses for jewelry or display crosses in their homes. [2]
  16. Christians must not listen to popular Christian music.
  17. Christians must not allow a person living in fornication to be in their wedding party.
  18. Christian children must not play organized sports.
  19. Christian couples must not practice birth control unless for medical reasons.
  20. Christian men must not have vasectomies.
  21. Christians must wait one year after they are baptized to begin courting.
  22. Christians must not invite the whole church to a Birthday party.
  23. Christians must not enter the home of a fornicator or homosexual except for the purpose of teaching, this includes family members.
  24. Christians must not use electronic Bible devices for preaching or teaching or during assemblies.
  25. Christians must not purchase or drink non-alcoholic beer.
  26. Christians must not overly indulge in non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice.
  27. Christians must not wear thong underwear.
  28. Christians must not purchase wine.
  29. Christians must not wear blue jeans or tennis shoes to Bible class or on personal work.
  30. Christians must exhaust all means before asking the church for financial help (asking non-members, borrowing the money etc.).
  31. Christians must not purchase items from, or donate items to The Salvation Army or St. Vincent D’Paul.
  32. Christians must not walk through a bar or casino to use the restroom.
  33. Christians must have a private interview with the rabbis of the congregation before making withdrawal confessions.
  34. Christian men must not wear shorts.
  35. Christian women must not show their knees while standing or sitting in a dress.
  36. Christian women must not wear tank tops.
  37. Christian men must not wear shirts without collars to Bible study.
  38. Christians must not attend musical events such as symphonies.
  39. Christians must not get tattoos.
  40. Christian men must not wear earrings or any other body piercing.
  41. Christian women must not have any body part pierced except ears.
  42. Christians must not move to another congregation for any reason other than health, non member husband or to help the church.
  43. Christians must not miss Bible class for any reason other than sickness of themselves or a loved one.
  44. Christians must not miss Bible class for work related issues.
  45. Christians must not have sex too often with their spouse.
  46. Christians married couples must not kiss too passionately.
  47. Christian women must not breastfeed in mixed company even while covered up.
  48. Christian men must wear a jacket and tie while serving the Lord’s Table and preaching.
  49. Christians must not celebrate any holiday except birthdays and anniversaries.
  50. Christian women and girls must wear dresses all day Sunday and must wear nylons with their dresses.
  51. Christians must not straddle children on their hip.
  52. Christians must not enter a movie theater.
  53. Christians must discourage their children from going to colleges or universities and must not attend colleges or universities themselves.
  54. Christians must worship in their home congregation unless they are visiting family.
  55. Christians must keep the schedule of the congregation they are visiting.
  56. Christians are to consider anyone not baptized in the approximately 35 churches associated with the Merie Weiss sect to be unbelievers.
  57. Christians must attend Worship, morning class, fellowship and evening class to be considered “keeping the Lord’s Day.”
  58. Christians must not work on Sunday.
  59. Christians may negotiate exceptions to rules with a rabbi privately. Attempts to do so publicly are subject to rebuke and withdrawal as necessary via standard fear and intimidation tactics. [4]
  60. Christians must not attend sporting events of any kind.
  61. Christians’ children must not associate with “worldly” friends outside of school or job.
  62. Christians must not let their kids go to Sex Ed Classes.
  63. Christians must not take drugs for mental chemical disorders.
  64. Christians must not let mentally handicapped people get baptized.
  65. Christian women are required to greet one another with a holy kiss. Christian men are excluded because it makes them uncomfortable.
  66. Christians should use the word “gender” instead of “sex” when differentiating between male and female.
  67. Christian women must not use tampons.
  68. Christian men must not use urinals in public restrooms.
  69. Christians must not use the words butt, pee, boobs, or other euphemisms for body parts or bodily functions.
  70. Christians must not attend sporting events of any kind.
  71. A Christian young man may hug an older woman, but Christian men and women are not allowed to hug, they may only shake hands.
  72. Christians are not allowed to own musical instruments or listen to music.
  73. Christians must not maintain friendships with non-Christian friends.
  74. Christian children must not play vigorously on Sundays during fellowship because it’s the Lord’s day.
  75. Children of Christians must not imitate baptizing someone.
  76. Christians may not use words such as “gosh, geez, darn, kids, man, wow” or any type of euphemistic or exclamatory language deemed “worldly” by the rabbis.
  77. Christians may not go on Youtube.
  78. Christians may not have a health club or gym membership.
  79. Christians don’t date. They court.
  80. Christians are only allowed to marry in the church, and only with their rabbi’s approval.
  81. Christians are required to take notes at all classes, at worship, and at all meetings.
  82. Christians who don’t like the Counsel of one rabbi may quietly seek Counsel from a rabbi who will give them the exception they want (going on vacation, going to a wedding or funeral, etc.).
  83. Christians may leverage their personal relationships with rabbis to gain exceptions to rules found in 2 Opinions Chapter 3, especially if the rabbi is a parent or other family member.
  84. A Christian whose rabbi knows something good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, to him it is sin.
  85. Christians must NOT consider it their responsibility to correct the errors of the previous generation. [3]
  86. Christians must not “get into their Bibles” to avoid becoming “followers of men” but must accept the rulings of the Sanhedrin at May Meetings and October Meetings. [3]
  87. Christian youth are not to demand proof for rules imposed by rabbis. [3]
  88. Christians must not doubt things that are “commonly believed within the churches,” but must blindly follow tradition like the Pharisees of old. [3]
[1] CB and many others have reviewed old manuscripts to compile these scriptures.
[2] Due to some ambiguity in the earliest manuscripts, at least one translation renders verse 15 “I can do all things through a verse taken out of context.”
[3] Due to some recently discovered manuscript fragments, additional rules have been added to this translation.
[4] The Modern Pharisaical Translation (MPT) was translated from the oldest known manuscripts, which more correctly uses the word “rabbi” instead of “teacher” based on first century usage.
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