By Martha Long
A while back, someone commented on this blog with a video link on Spiritual Abuse. It was very interesting. Many of the signs covered were exactly what many of us have experienced in Stanton and spoken about here on the blog. While a few of the signs (such as sexual abuse by leaders) are not a typical part of Stanton’s modus operandi, there were so many other signs that point to spiritual abuse in one form or another in Stanton that it’s hard to deny that Spiritual Abuse is part of Stanton’s culture.
So, what is spiritual abuse? It can be defined as abuse in which leaders find ways to control your life for the purpose of accomplishing their goals. I think some of us may have believed that our own goals were also being met (such as we are going to heaven), but we also know that a leader’s goal in Stanton is to make sure you believe all the same things they do and there should be no division (their goals). Those in position of power use God to empower themselves. Some might promote themselves, some are insecure and therefore do a lot of fault-finding in others, some are exclusivist, and most are all of the above. They see themselves as the Word of God. Merie Weiss clearly saw herself at one point as pretty much the only one holding that candlestick.
Even though Merie is long gone, her beliefs and tactics are still very much a part of her church. Merie’s objectives, which became the objectives of the leadership in Stanton, are for you to replace your trust in God with your trust in them; and to replace God’s word with their words. You may not understand or see that they are doing this. Some leaders may not even see themselves as doing this. The shift from trusting God to placing more trust in them is very subtle, although depending on which congregation you attended and how much “counsel” was pushed on you, it may have been not so subtle.
Here are 7 “never” rules that can help you identify spiritual abuse1:
- Never enough serving or attending. No excuses allowed, and certainly not for work or family.
- Never be yourself. Don’t be honest, don’t think for yourself, and don’t excel, especially too quickly. You could make the leader look bad, or you could be accused of having too much pride.
- Never ask too many questions. This starts to look like a threat real quick.
- Never express yourself to the leaders. Don’t talk about your hurts, your feelings, or your real thoughts. Remember, Christ is a rock.
- Never confront the leaders. This is pretty much an immediate withdrawal. Confrontation usually includes feelings. It’s a bad combination.
- Never be balanced. There absolutely should be extremes in your life. Too much fellowship time is perfect. So is spending very little time with your non-member spouse or non-member kids. If they want to spend time with you, they should come to church with you!
- Never be transformed internally. External transformation is enough!
If that’s not enough, here are some other signs of spiritual abuse. Leaders will:
- Betray your confidence and share your information with others.
- Shame or bully you if you don’t give up your free time for “the church”.
- Not allow themselves to be corrected easily.
- Make you feel like you can’t change churches.
- Shame you by bringing up past failures.
- Silence their critics by making them the bad guy.
- Be dismissive to you when you no longer serve their needs.
- Gaslight3 you into thinking you are crazy. Others will think you’re crazy too.
- Use others’ faults to create fear and intimidation in the group.
- Use their charisma to create a cult-like following so that others will defend them when they are questioned.
- Create a culture of a popular inner circle.
- Surround themselves with people who will either praise them, submit to them, or fear them.
- Convince members they can’t know the deep things of God without their help.
- Don’t really help you overcome sin long-term, but will discard you when you make them look bad.
- Think loyalty to them is the same as loyalty to Christ.
- Use exclusive language.
- Say everyone else is wrong.
- Create a culture of fear and shame, where there is little to no grace.
- Cultivate a dependence on one person or group for spiritual information.
The leaders of Stanton have replaced Christ with themselves, have employed far too many of the tactics mentioned above, and have caused many to leave Christ entirely. How many things on the list have happened to you or were witnessed by you?
I have asked Kevin to post Richard Bustraan’s YouTube video on Spiritual Abuse in the Videos section of the blog. He has suggestions for getting out of these situations at the end of the video.
References
1 As identified in Richard Bustraan’s video on Spiritual Abuse at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3mllQxJylA
2 This list partially extracted from https://jillmonaco.com/25-signs-of-spiritual-abuse/
3 Gaslight: manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
Amazingly accurate. Describes Stanton and many other totalitarian organizations to a T.
It’s a culture of fear, and it’s not the fear of God either, though the leaders will furiously deny this.
There was a lot of gaslighting in Stanton. You were taught from childhood that certain behaviors would divorce you from sanity, and it was encouraged, probably not consciously, for people to believe they no longer had a mind. Multiple times teachers made pronouncements on whether others still had their minds. They were proven wrong on nearly every evaluation where they determined a persons Holy Spirit had vacated the premises.
Failing to understand a persons ideas, refusing to listen and consider these ideas, which are perfectly scriptural, withdrawing from them, excommunicating them, and then publicly stating, with them present, that their ideas qualify them for the death penalty in Gods eyes, which just happened to me yesterday, is spiritual abuse.
Lord Acton truly said, ‘Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power tends to corrupt absolutely’
Solomon truly said, ‘Surely oppression maketh a wise man mad’ in Ecclesiastes 7:7.
After I was withdrawn from and excommunicated from, I engaged in behaviors I never dreamed of doing before. I’m responsible for my response to all situations, however. We all are accountable for our own choices. I’d be really bitter if I blamed my circumstances on anything but Gods allowing it to happen for his own mysterious and inscrutable purposes.. Even Joseph didn’t blame his brothers for his slavery.
Excellent post.
Yes, the gaslighting is strong in Stanton’s teaching. You still show up at their meetings? I don’t get why. You don’t need their approval, Ryan. You’ll never get their approval. #RExit 🙂
Yes, because, as Plutarch said, ‘Perseverance is more prevailing than violence, and many things which cannot be overcome when they are together, yield themselves up when taken little by little’. Inch by inch, life’s a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard.
And as the Bible says, ‘In your patience, ye possess your souls’. David demonstrated the correct spirit when dealing with Shimei. Wasn’t vengeful. Justice was eventually done. Funny, Stanton actually taught me how to respond to injustice:). DS was, and still is, as I always enjoy listening to his wise talks, a great teacher. Very enthusiastic, lively, and not boring in the least. The worst part of this entire experience is that I honestly can say I enjoy listening to all of Stanton’s preachers, and have no animosity towards any of their preachers. Simply object to them attempting to make an infinite God, finite.
Not going for their approval. But that of my own conscience, and that of God. If I die today, I die happy.
You are assuming it is their approval I’m after, which is a valid surmise, but an incorrect one.
God’s ways and thoughts are higher than man’s ways and thoughts.
Your parents were sitting right there listening to that abusive language, am I correct? I’m shaking my head with grief.
Now I ask you to take a moment and reread what you wrote about listening and considering ideas. You believe your ideas to be scriptural but the teacher doesn’t believe your ideas so the teacher says you are worthy of death and have lost your mind (probably not in the same rebuke but you have been accused of both). I agree wholeheartedly, you are being spiritually abused.
Now I would ask that you reread some of your own comments on this blog and see where you engage in some of the same rhetoric, not necessarily in the exact words but similar in sentiment; that people who disagree with you are lazy minded, full of nonsense, Marxist thinkers, Democrats and the list goes on. I realize that you haven’t said your opponents are worthy of death, but hear me out. Please take a moment and consider the manner in which you answer a poster who disagrees with you. Think what you want to think about your opponent, but please reconsider the name calling and assumptions you post. The name calling and accusations don’t prove your point; they don’t cause your opponent to consider your ideas; rather that language shuts your opponents ears to your actual point. A degrading response to opposition doesn’t serve a purpose or prove a point.
I’m afraid they were, PIMO. Thank you for your commiseration.
When I stated my ideas, they were not haphazard, but the result of much study, prayer, and observation. My ideas are the same as shown in the New Testament, where dozens of people are healed of physical and spiritual maladies, and Christ plainly said his word would have the same power, but Stanton doesn’t believe that.
It’s not bad to be in error, it’s bad to be confidently in error and to refuse to be corrected. I never sternly attack anyone without cause, and I generally try to attack the ideas or mistaken reasoning behind their ideas.
Lazy minded, full of nonsense, Marxist thinkers, and Democrats are worthy terms, and were never unreasonably used. Of course, the latter two would never be used in Stanton as they are convinced apathy towards politics is wise, which not even Alexander Campbell agreed with.
My comments, if heeded, yield better people. Humility comes before honor. People never repeat the nonsense again, and are made better by it. Correcting error is a good thing.
Hearing harsh truths is something the righteous have no problem with, only the proud do.
‘Let the righteous smite me; it shall be a kindness: and let him reprove me; it shall be an excellent oil, which shall not break my head: for yet my prayer also shall be in their calamities.’
Psalms 141:5
Stanton uses this constantly, and often correctly. Unfortunately, when they use it on me, it loses it’s effect, because it’s not righteous to wrongly persecute one who has told a truth and refuses to retract it.
Facts do not care about feelings. Ben Shapiro often says this, and he is correct. Of course, when things are overcome, and past, there is no point in bringing them back up, but when error is wrongly asserted today, that ought to be corrected.
That said, no one is truly a victim, of anything but our own choices. No one can control the deck of cards they are dealt in life, but we do control how we play them. And, no one ever goes through any circumstance, that someone else in human history did not successfully endure and overcome, and often, others have endured and overcome far more than we.
Continually subjecting oneself to spiritual abuse is not a game. May I politely suggest that showing up to Stanton’s meetings when you know (and have documented here) how wrong their teachings and practices are, is not too unlike an alcoholic showing up at a bar thinking “I’m strong enough to not be affected.”
Not judging you for trying—I’ve spent decades trying to reach Stanton myself, though in different ways (personal relationships and this blog, for instance). But I do believe your spiritual growth in Christ is being stunted by this obsession with inserting yourself back into their toxic culture. JMHO, take it or leave it, brother.
The wilderness was to test the Jews, and kites fly against the wind, not with it.
You are convinced that avoiding Stanton like the plague is wise, and I am convinced that meeting it head on, and persisting until the problem is fixed is wise. Time tells all tales. We shall see what we shall see.
Actually, if all of America behaved like Stanton, there would be no Democrat party, and our nation would be a lot better off, though Stanton has difficulty with the First and Second Amendment:).
Yes, time will tell. 🙂 Perhaps God called you to this task, like he called me to mine. Maybe we each have our parts to play. But my concern is for your spiritual growth, which is going to be almost impossible while immersed in Stanton’s legalism. IMO, you’d be better off detoxing for awhile. But hey—you’re call, my friend.
Kevin, I can relate to what you are saying about continuing to attend while they are subjecting you to their brand or corrective teaching. I stayed for at least 2 years like that and I saw what it was doing to me. Even my wife saw what they were doing and how it was affecting me.
You try to stay in good spirits being in the house of God with the people of God, but when a lot of the teaching are against you, how negatively a lot of the congregation acts toward you, and even being treated all around like you are withdrawn from when you aren’t.
I, too, wish they would come to their senses and change their ways, but to keep going their as is is just too detrimental.
I’m glad you came around. It takes a certain amount of self-confidence to leave when they’ve been telling you seductive lies for so long. That’s why I liken it to “detoxing” from chemical addictions. Glad you broke away, brother.
That was me who posted that video. I’m glad you’ve shared it and are giving it more exposure. It was very helpful to me and hopefully it can be to others as well. He does a really good job of presenting everything in a way that’s easy to follow and understand.
What’s ironic is that we point these things out to them only for them to ignore, dismiss and scoff at the blog both publicly in talks or sermons, and among themselves in secret. For you leaders and members of the SCOC who still read this blog, it’s one thing to dismiss the dissenters, but when you have people in your own ranks parroting the SAME EXACT PROBLEMS we talk about here (some of whom don’t even read the blog yet they see the same things we do), it may be time to consider your ways instead of having “unity” (conformity) meetings trying to ignore it. I know of different preachers in the SCOC who are currently teaching more on oppression in their congregations or have given talks about it at different meetings recently. They dismiss what we all say here but marvel at the wisdom of what is shared about it when someone they aren’t biased against shares on it. Anyways, hopefully God can help them all truly see it and change it.
Hopefully they do, AOP. It’s kind of sad when the only people you can learn from are those from the Bible and the 1,500 people in Stanton, and actually, it’s even less than that, because you are not supposed to be learning from ‘babes’, or ‘spiritually weak’ (code for any Christian in Stanton for a two or more years who is not teaching in some capacity) only from teachers. So technically, there are only 100 people, out of 7 billion humans, on the face of the earth that a Stanton Christian can publicly admit to learning anything from.
As you say, they will NEVER admit to reading this blog (the teachers certainly won’t, and there are penalties for the members), so anything they read here, will be filtered out. I was astonished to hear some of my remarks here, very similarly stated, as I listened to talks. I am not proud enough to assume they got anything from me, but, you can bet, nothing I say will ever be publicly stated and attributed to me in an admiring way, EVER. That’s fine. I have no problem admiring what a lot of them say publicly. Not worried about what others think of me, but I will be judged on what I think of them. But, you can bet that they were severely scrubbed of all association with me. To them, I am a spiritual leper, and association with me is spiritually poisonous. As one preacher said, who I really respect too, ‘Ryan has never said anything spiritual in his life’.
Glad God judges those things, not man.
Let God be true, and every man a liar.
AFP, well thank you for posting it. It opened up a great search term for me and I discovered that spiritual abuse is found not only in Stanton, but also in many religions. I have a sister who was similarly treated by her church when she began to question and decided to leave. It’s an evangelical place she went to.
Before I left, I did notice some things were changing in Merie’s church, but only for appeasement, not because the hearts of the leaders were changing. For example, young ones now are totally being allowed to travel a little more freely both before being baptized and some after (like the first year or two). But as they are in longer, they are expected to do more, are kept busier, and are then not able to travel based on their commitments. So they are still applying the same ideas Merie had (don’t travel much), but using varied reasoning, as well as keeping them busy. And it’s not always a terrible busy. They are keeping young ones together in homes and such. However, in the end, it’s still control via manipulation. I honestly believe the leaders know they are manipulating the younger ones. If they are honest with themselves, they can see it. Even when I was in, I could see that some things were purposely not “up front”. They hide or deceive the younger ones, telling them they are free to do certain things, but then when they are in they are (sometimes nicely) pressured into more and more commitments until they can’t accomplish their own personal goals. I personally think that this site can be a double edged sword. We may be able to publicly discuss what we disagree with, but they just use it to change their strategies so they can keep more people from leaving. I just pray that people can see that while some superficial things have changed, as long as that organization employs the behaviors discussed in this article, they are still spiritual abusers. And I am pretty sure they currently employ them ALL.
All. Of. This!!!!!!!!
My apologies to Martha, she wrote this guest post and I had it in draft mode, but apparently clicked “Publish” before finishing the attribution. Fixed it—and thanks Martha for a great article!
Yes, thank you Martha, the article was very well done, past differences notwithstanding.
This list is all so correct. The last few years that I was there I was under a lot of this. This is far from what Christianity is supposed to be. I’ve shared, already, a lot of what I went through there and agree with this list. I just don’t see how doing these things to the children of God and in any way be justified. If I’m doing any of these things to anybody I will be held accountable for it.
I was almost raised in the “off” Churches of Christ in AZ, TX, and in Tacoma since I was around 10. Baptized in Tacoma congregation when I was 17. After a few years I left and these things were happening then. I came back in 1999. Wasn’t as extreme, but I didn’t get a taste of what it was like until I wasn’t conforming to their ways of doing things. Then, at least half that list applied to me for the non conformity. The last few years, before I left, was so bad it was really draining me and a lot of my joy was gone. I knew I couldn’t grow anymore there. I was mentally and emotionally fighting what was going on vs the only growth I was getting was from my own studies.
These methods, that they are using, aren’t working. They may control some, but people are leaving and they have a hand in this to be answered for.
Lynn, you say you “couldn’t grow anymore”. I felt the same way. It is upsetting that we can’t just say “Hey, this isn’t the right place for me because there are things being taught that do not lead me to follow Christ, but rather cause me to follow man.” I’ve said it here before: for many, it leads to a very immature Christianity. In Stanton, many are forever babes, lacking understanding in so many areas because Stanton sits on ridiculous judgements,not allowing anyone to disagree with them. And I don’t mean babes by years, but rather lack of knowledge or understanding. There is no growth, just constant regurgitation of the same old stuff.
That “regurgitation” reminds me of re-education camps in totalitarian societies. You must comply, and if you don’t, you must be re-trained, or there will be heavy-handed social consequences. I think everyone takes notes all the time because regurgitating their doctrines helps keep a facade of conformity.
It also reminds of the common refrain in Stanton that they have the “meat” of the Word, but the “religious world” only has the “milk” of the Word. Such complete nonsense. The teachers feed the flock pre-chewed food, and they are expected to regurgitate it loyally. If someone doesn’t, they get ostracized from the flock. Am I wrong?
Kevin, you are not wrong and I am one of the living proofs. As I have said, I refused to follow that because I was studying and seeking for myself and could see what was happening and I did get ostracized. It was like I was withdrawn from, along with my family.
It seems you only get the benefits of the congregation if you in that conformation, because, since I wasn’t, we got nothing. I had to do things on my own and still they wouldn’t understand that. CS, the preacher from the south, continually taught that you shouldn’t look to the church in time of need, whether financial, physical, and/or moral. Their teaching stopped the church from being there for each other. You only got that if you were popular and/or conformed. I give credit to Merie because is the one that said this, that when she saw that someone was in need, didn’t matter for what, that she wanted to be the one to do to earn a star for her crown. Now, I don’t know if that is accurate, it’s just I heard that as a teenager and has stuck with me since. There is a strong importance as to why we have each other and that is what God is looking for.
In CS’s wisdom of “asking not what the church can do for you, but what you can do for the church”, he told me that I didn’t understand what the church is for. It’s more like he didn’t.
MLong,
“Following man” is one thing that I refused to. With knowledge and understanding we know when what we are being told isn’t spiritual. I knew that in whatever was said from others and if I chose to follow it that I would still have to answer to God for it. Just because a preacher, teacher, or Evangelist said to do something doesn’t make it law, but I sure saw plenty of times where it was expected to be followed because they said it.
“The truth will set you free” applies to more than just nonmembers hearing the gospel. Knowledge and understand of that truth, also, frees us up of incorrect and/or oppressive teaching.
I couldn’t grow anymore because they had nothing to offer. Not only was I having to deal with their abuse because I wouldn’t conform, but, also, because their teachings were base. I was hungry for knowledge and understanding. I wanted to fill myself up with as much as I could and studied a lot and listened to a lot of talks. It got stagnant after awhile. I was learning a lot more from the talks/tapes/cds from across the country. In Tacoma it seemed half the time the class was pointed in my direction when there were no sins. They refused to obey Matt 25 and accept what was going on.
I came to the conclusion that in many cases that when people can’t understand something that they will always take it the negative way when they could have given the benefit of the doubt and taken it positive. I will probably never understand why, if there is not reason to take it negative, that they will chose to take it negative. Remember that you are doing this to the children of God. If that doesn’t make you fear, then there is something majorly wrong.
I had a friend send me an article about cults..I’ve vented to her many times about the stuff my family is wrapped up in wishing they could take their blinders off & realize how insane they sound. When I read these they all are pretty much accurate to this “church”. I 100% believe it’s a cult!
No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry
Isolating members and penalizing them for leaving
Emphasizing special doctrines outside scripture
Dishonoring the family unit
Separation from the Church
The group relies on shame cycles
The group uses “thought reform” methods..in other words brainwashing
Unreasonable fear about the outside “world”
There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.
Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances
Followers feel they can never be “good enough”
The group/leader is always right.
The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible
Shannon, I am glad you had a friend to count on. I’m not sure if Kevin has done a post on critical thinking, but that is a HUGE problem there. They love to say PROVE ALL THINGS, but what they mean is, PROVE ALL THINGS THAT THE LEADERS HAVE DECLARED TO BE LAW, OR ELSE!
I like your term “Dishonoring” the family unit. Indeed! It was God who created families, yet Stanton devalues them to the point of destruction.
Thank you MLong..I am too..she has been a literal lifesaver for me throughout the years of hurt. When she sent me this I was like..WOW this is hits the nail on the head with this cult!
You’re exactly right!! There is no critical thinking..it is this is what it means & what you need to do OR ELSE!
Exactly right. Critical thinking is almost non-existent in the cult. When it does exist, it’s self-suppressed because of the social consequences of dissent.